All we need to know about Attachment

Attachment – The social media ‘school’

I vividly remember the first time I heard about attachment theory. At that stage, I was already familiar with the history of modern psychotherapy and the complexities of Psychoanalytic and Gestalt theories, to name a few. While I could appreciate the value of these approaches, none truly resonated with me, on a deep level.

Discovering attachment theory was, as Mary Ainsworth aptly described, “a sudden, total, and permanent change in perspective.” Yet, I could never anticipate ten years later, the term ‘attachment’ would be everywhere on social media, featured in countless posts, videos, and reels. The widespread enthusiasm for attachment theory is encouraging and exhilarating, yet it’s sometimes a bit scary. It seems that a mismatch has emerged between the findings of Developmental Psychology and the social science of romantic love, leading to oversimplifications or misinterpretations in understanding attachment theory. So maybe, this can be an opportunity to learn together.

Social science + romantic love vs Developmental Psychology

When comparing social science’s perspective on romantic love with that of developmental psychology, it’s clear these disciplines approach the subject with different focuses and methodologies.

One crucial distinction to consider is that attachment refers to a relationship, not a fixed trait. Despite this, it’s increasingly common to hear people self-identifying with labels like “avoidant.” The idea that the qualities of our earliest relationships might develop into trait-like characteristics (e.g., Bowlby, 1988) is fascinating and resonates with both personal and clinical observations. However, research offers limited support for generalising specific attachment behaviours into stable traits that persist across different contexts, behavioural domains, or stages of life. Attachment theory, (Ainsworth 1978) recognises that even in infancy, attachment behaviour is context-sensitive, adaptive, and coherent throughout different stages of life.

Attachment – The ‘old school’ Developmental Psychology (Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory)

The strange situation
It’s impossible to discuss attachment theory without acknowledging John Bowlby, the pioneer of this field, and Mary Ainsworth, whose significant contribution came through the development of the Strange Situation experiment. This experiment involves a series of planned separations and reunions between a caregiver and an infant, designed to provoke separation anxiety and thereby activate the infant’s attachment system. The infant’s reaction upon the caregiver’s return is crucial in characterising the attachment relationship. For example, securely attached children typically seek closeness to the caregiver upon reunion and quickly resume exploring their surroundings. In contrast, avoidant children tend to show little interest in seeking proximity and instead focus on their environment. Meanwhile, ambivalent children seem too distressed to explore and remain difficult to soothe, even after reuniting with the caregiver.

Bowlby theorised that these variations in infants’ proximity-seeking behaviours stem from different expectations about the caregiver’s role as a source of protection. He proposed that these expectations are encoded in mental structures known as Internal Working Models (Bowlby, 1969/1982).

Attachment – the modern and contemporary ‘school’

A defining feature of contemporary attachment research is its focus on individual differences in how people engage in attachment relationships. These are relationships where one seeks to maintain proximity to a preferred person—such as a parent, spouse, close friend, or therapist—especially when feeling distressed or hurt.

Social science + romantic love: the ‘new’ science of adult attachment

Books like Attached explore the concept of romantic love as an attachment process and argue that attachment theory applies not only to child development and parenting but also to romantic relationships.

Key concepts include:
-Romantic love as an attachment process: This biosocial process involves forming affectional bonds between adult lovers, similar to how infants establish bonds with their parents early in life (Shaver).
-Attachment patterns in adults: Adults often display attachment patterns with their romantic partners that reflect the attachment styles seen between children and their parent
-Social brain and relationships: Co-dependency and extreme self-sufficiency in relationships conflict with the way our social brain is wired. Humans are naturally programmed to form strong, close connections and to depend on others for emotional well-being.
-Adult attachment and change: An important implication of attachment research is that it is possible to develop a secure attachment style as an adult, even after a challenging childhood. While early experiences influence later development, they do not determine it. Therapeutic experiences can significantly alter an individual’s life trajectory.